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The Black Knight


King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

[the Black Knight doesn't respond]

King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[No response]

King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me
in my court at Camelot.

[No response]

King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

[No response]

King Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!

[Attempts to get around the Black Knight]

Black Knight: None shall pass.

King Arthur: What?

Black Knight: None shall pass!

King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this
bridge.

Black Knight: Then you shall die.

King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

Black Knight: I move for no man.

King Arthur: So be it!

[They fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]

King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!

King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight: No, it isn't!

King Arthur: Well, what's that then?

Black Knight: I've had worse.

King Arthur: You liar!

Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

[They fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]

King Arthur: Victory is mine!

[Kneels to pray]

King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -

[Cut off by the Knight kicking him]

Black Knight: Come on, then.

King Arthur: What?

Black Knight: Have at you!

King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!

Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?

King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!


Tim


Tim: Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

King Arthur: What an eccentric performance.


Must Be a King


Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?

The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.

Large Man with Dead Body: Why?

The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.


Bring Out Your Dead


The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.

[a man puts a body on the cart]

Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.

The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: What?

Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.

The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.

Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.

The Dead Collector: He isn't.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.

Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.

The Dead Collector: I can't take him.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.

The Dead Collector: I can't.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.

The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?

The Dead Collector: Thursday.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.

Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there
anything you could do?

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.

[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the
Body with his a whack of his club]

Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.

The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Large Man with Dead Body: Right.  


The French Taunting


King Arthur: Hello?!

French Soldier: Hello? Who is it?

King Arthur: It is Arthur, and these are my knights of the round table. Whose castle is this?

French Soldier: This is the castle of my master, who is a lieu about! [?]

King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

French Soldier: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

King Arthur: ...What?

Sir Galahad: He said they've already got one!

King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one?

French Soldier: Oh yes, it's very nice! [to other soldiers] I told him we already got one!

King Arthur: Well, uh...can we come up and have a look?

French Soldier: Of course not. You're English types.

King Arthur: Well, what are you then?

French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king?

Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?

French Soldier: Mind your own business.

King Arthur: If you do not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English kinigits.

Sir Galahad: What a strange person.

King Arthur: Now look here, my good man -

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Sir Galahad: ...Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

King Arthur: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable-!

French Soldier: [to other soldier] Faits chet la vache.

Other Soldier: What?

French Soldier: Faits chet la vache!

Cow - Moooooo.

King Arthur: If you do not agree to my commands, then -

:Catapault sets off, cow goes flying through the air:

King Arthur: Jesus Christ!!!


Terrible Peril


Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.

Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.

Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.

Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.

Sir Lancelot: Am not.
A couple funny scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. By the way, 'Faits chet la vache' means 'cow sh+t' :D

=EDIT=

I fixed the error xD King Arthur doesn't say 'I've had worse'...haha, thanks guys.
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:iconkioshikitsunekun:
KioshikitsuneKun Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011  Student General Artist
"I bet You're gay"
"am not..." LMAO!
Reply
:iconteakupfieldberry:
TeakupFieldBerry Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2011
I hate to break it to you, but...

This is copyright infringement. You just re-typed scenes from somebody else's movie. I know you just wanted to make people laugh (I too love Monty Python and the Holy Grail) but I reported this deviation. You should probably just take it down.. : ( Sorry, but rules are rules.
Reply
:iconkyokohonda:
KyokoHonda Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2011  Student General Artist
Mmkay.
Reply
:iconzilther:
Zilther Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2008
lol! I've had worse is said by the black knight not king Arthur XD
Reply
:iconkyokohonda:
KyokoHonda Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2008  Student General Artist
Oops. o_o
Reply
:iconrockout1413:
rockout1413 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008
king arthur says one of the black knights lines

hint hint lol i Have had worse ;]

i think you can get it
Reply
:iconrockout1413:
rockout1413 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008
There is a MISTAKE SHAME SHAME LOL
Reply
:iconkyokohonda:
KyokoHonda Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008  Student General Artist
Where?! o.o
Reply
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